As Ramadan is drawing to a close, I've been reflecting a little bit more and came to the realisation that there is so much barakah in this month although initially, I felt I was left bereft. This was mainly due to undescribable awesomeness which was last Ramadan where my motivation to draw closer to God was unprecedented.

I got so caught up in placement and all the work I had to do...I barely had the energy to read the Quran or go for terawih, of which I'm trying desperately to think of reasons behind this and why God has willed so. And I guess it boils down to learning first-hand that effort = reward. The amount of effort you put in is directly related to how close you'll be to the Almighty. I mean duh, isn't that common sense? Don't we all already know that? That may be true, but you'll never really know the true meaning of something until you've faced it, like many other lessons in life.

Last year's Ramadan I made the decision and a promise to Allah that I didn't want to date, or have a boyfriend and go down that route. It wasn't an easy process especially me being the hopeless romantic that I am and absorbing today's media and culture propogating about relationships and such. To be honest, prior to this decision i've thought about relationships and having one practically about 80% of my day. Yes, I might have been a tad overbroad. But I guess I was fixated, obsessed even with the idea of love, and how we've been so successfully brainwashed into thinking relationships are a must. In fact, an individual's value is judged by his/her ability to get into a relationship. How enslaving is that? "You mean you've never had a boyfriend?", followed by judgemental looks. We don't have to look far, just look at us university kids playing "traffic light" at orientation camps.

Back to the story....I guess i didn't know if it was possible to get married WITHOUT dating. I mean...who does that? That was the hardest part. But trust in the Allah, the All knowing is key.

Problem is...I didn't know how to go about fulfilling my promise. Guys asked me out, I said, why not? It's just as friends, after all. Even if we both end up being attracted to each other and having romantic feelings, we're not going to be in a relationship - which is all that matters. Wrong. So wrong.

Try and justify as much as I may - the truth of the matter still stays.

You see, interesting fact #1 about me (if you don't already know) is that I'm an extremely emotional person and I get emotionally attached before you can say "Go". If I were to ever invest in a romantic relationship and we broke up, I know I wouldn't survive. I know it like I know the grass is green or that we'll all die one day.

Interesting fact #2 about me is that practically throughout my teenage life...guys have come and go. They're always interested at first, get to know me better and months, and even years later lose interest and leave. I've always, always thought there was something so fundamentally wrong with me. I'd think, 'Am I that boring? Am I that ugly? Maybe I care too much?' I mean if such a thing happened twice or thrice...I could put it down to coincidence. So it must mean there's some deficit in me that I've yet to figure out. No surprise my self-esteem was pretty much....non-existent.


Is it a crime to be boring? Tell me. How many of us are fun 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year?


Is it a crime to be ugly? Is it one's fault he looks like that. God made him this way. Are you not satisfied with the creation of God? Could you create something better than this human being? Tell me.


Is it a crime to care too much? To feel - something so essentially human is a gift, not a crime. You should be examining yourself if you're the one who always cares less.


The moral of the story is.....no. Nothing is fundamentally wrong with you. A reminder to myself and all girls out there. The value of a woman shouldn't be tied to how many guys look her way, or are attracted to her. You don't owe prettiness to anyone, and especially not some undeserving guy. You're so much more than that. You're definitely so much better than something as temporal as looks.


You should not let what guys think of you dictate how you think of yourself. No. You do not give such power to someone else. It's called self-respect. Try it.


What I've been enlightened with this month (no, not the enlightenment that Buddhists are talking about) is that as I made a promise to God and didn't know how to fulfill it...he did his part and helped me uphold it. It's pretty logical actually. If I can't survive a break-up, I shouldn't risk it and be in a relationship. If I didn't wanna be in a relationship or any semblance of it, I should not hang out one-on-one with guys who possibly have ulterior motives. So what does Allah do when a guy starts being interested in me and I agree to hang out....he makes them disinterested. Simple as that. No matter what I do, I now know the outcome. So I try not to chase as well. Which is a hard habit to break.

This 'enlightenment' is a very relieving fact, actually. It liberates me from my own obsessions...and forces me to just take a step back and trust that Allah knows whats best for me.

Insya Allah. Allah humma Amin.

P.s. Of course, there are more reasons why I made my decision last Ramadan, but that's between me and Him. ;)

You

You.

I look at you.

Him. So near to me.

But these eyes turn back to you. <br>

The war begins, as usual.

Head and the heart battle it out.

Who will win?

The beating of one's soul, of course. <br>

You make me burn.

He soothes me after.

Your eyes pierce through my soul, leaving me bare and naked.

Fitting all the lost pieces together till you know me like the air you breathe.

His eyes skim the surface, looking for the best parts of me.

He makes me want to be. Be that person he thinks I am. That person I know i can be.

But you see me for what I really am. <br>

Your charm is like a magnet.

Too strong for anyone to resist.

No one's even trying to.

You pull out people's deepest pains and sorrows that's burried and hidden <br>

Effortlessly.

You do it so effortlessly. <br>

Im in awe because you fascinate me,

you amaze me,

you captivate me.

But you're wrong for me.

The head and the whole world seems to think so.

But my heart.

Oh, my heart.

It screams and wails and yells

that you're right. Too right for me.

I feel so much sadness tonight. I understand that too much time alone with my thoughts leads me to a dark place. There's this darkness & evil within myself that I need to defeat (no blaming on shaitan since its ramadhan). This I think is gonna be my biggest challenge of yet.

I almost "died" inside tonight during solat when I was thinking whether me questioning god's existence is bordering on shirik (which is the most unforgivable sin) which makes me worse than any murderer or rapist or thief in this earth. A person who murders out of mischief is said to have murdered the whole human race. Even he would have the chance of Allah's forgiveness, But I'm worse than that. I felt so ashamed. So dumb, so stupid, so ungrateful. I didn't feel like lifting my face off the floor of the masjid during sujud because I felt so ashamed to face my creator. For ever having that ounce of doubt after I'm blessed left, right, centre.

With that conclusion, I'm not gonna give up. I'm gonna continuosly try and acheive his rahmah and please him. I'm gonna keep trying and ask for forgiveness. I'm gonna pray and worship him even though I know the chance of him forgiving him might be negligible, because thats my purpose on this earth- to worship and praise him. And yet today, I read this ayah in Surah Ad-Dhuha that says he does not forsake you. And my fav line that "on no soul does Allah place a greater burden than he can bear". So im convinvced that I can overcome this chip in my aqidah and come out victorious, InsyaAllah.

I'll spend my life doing good deeds, or die trying. Because I need it to repent for my sins. And If I can make one life easier, why not? And to please Allah swt with my actions, if he wills it.

What a slice of humble pie, like Taufiq told me "Compliments should make you more humble." I understand it now. When someone says "wow you're so kind", you shouldn't accept the compliment as yours because kindness is Allah swt's gift to you. And all praises be to Alllah. Furthermore, aren't we supposed to be kind? (we're not even near emulating the prophet saw)

So bottom line, I've decided not to take philosophy because I'm weak. I wanted to take philosophy to challenge myself and perharps, help those having the same questions to the right path. But I realise, i'm not the right person to do that. Because I'm weak. So much so. I would rather not risk Allah's wrath than lead a few people to the right path. We have to think for ourselves when the push comes to shove.

Also, like what wee leong told me, the inception theory. How true. Its fate that he said that to me. All part of allah's plan that i have to learn to accept. For he is all-knowing.

Ya Allah, only you can grant me forgiveness, may you place me among the believers. Insya Allah. Ameen.

I remember one time, I was with her in a mall, and I saw this really cool action figure of some sort--something that I've been looking for quite a while. This really feels uncomfortable because it's so uncool to buy an action figure while I was with an ENFJ chick.

She'd eventually say, "My ex is a toy collector." :)

The statement just made me comfortable. I don't know if she deliberately said that because she was able to sense the awkwardness of the situation, or if it's also an indirect statement from her that I can just be myself when I'm with her.

That's a trademark ENFJ trait. They're so good in making subtle open-ended remarks that can easily be romanticized or interpreted the way you enjoy it. But at the same time, you don't wanna get too pushy with your interpretation because you'll never know what she really meant. It's not as if she's overwhelming you with affection. It's just that she's so damn good in making open ended subtle flirtations.
Maybe that's the way she enjoys it. The basic premise, "You can get close to me, but have a sense of distance". The problem is the distance is so vague it becomes an addictive flirting loop.

Fits to a T

One of my best friends is an INFP and I wish I could find the guy version of her. I love that she understands my feelings because she has deep feelings too. We both also are a little dreamy, so we understand each other in that way... I think it is the N thing.

I love INFPs! I really respect that my friend needs alone time but I feel so honored when she allows me just to hang out with her, because I find her presence very calming, even if she needs "alone time" and we don't talk. She listens to my ideas and offers honest feedback. she also is always ready to go on adventures with me. yeah, INFPs are awesome.

ENFj + ESTp (Socionics)

Relations of Activity


These relations are the easiest and quickest to start. Activity partners do not experience any visual difficulties when starting relations which can be surprising to them at the beginning. Partners stimulate each other into activity. Interaction with an Activity partner becomes really satisfying especially if both partners feel a mutual attraction. However, with continuous interaction over a long period comes overactivation which normally results in an overall tiredness of each other (a good example is when you watch a comedy that is so funny that after half the film you do not have the energy to laugh anymore). When this happens Activity partners need a short rest from each other, after which they can enjoy a positive interaction once again. This pattern repeats itself giving these relations an oscillating character. If partners cannot take a break from each other, it can cause negative stimulation to take the place of positive.

Although overall interaction between partners is nice and easy, when it comes to fulfilling everyday duties and matters together, partners usually meet with many problems. Instead of solving the problems, Activity partners tend to give advice to each other on how to solve these problems, often affecting each others weak points. The advice of an Activity partner is always useful as it can strengthen your weakness, but not so much that it will ever become your strength.

The other problem with these relations is that information between Activity partners always needs some adjustments. One partner may think of it as too foggy and not concrete enough, whereas for the other partner it is too unrefined. Collaboration is also difficult, because partners cannot predict each others behaviour and actions in what seem to be ordinary situations. Because of this, partners cannot rely or count on each other in full. Most of the problems that arise during Activity relationships are because one partner is always Perceiving and the other is always Judging, meaning that they live in different life rhythms.

These relations are excellent for leisure, but not for day to day activities. When two Duality pairs gather together (forming a complete Quadrable) they experience a feeling of elation. The reason for this is that when two Duality pairs interact with each other, the two introverts (one from each Duality pair) and the two extroverts (again, one from each Duality pair) interact with each other as relations of Activity. Introverts in relations of Activity become slightly extroverted and more open, whereas two extroverts will often calm down a little.

Why i think G is a ESTP 6w7

I think he's the same type as Sa. They seem to be very similar, yet differnt. I take their differences to be due to the enneagram. I think Sa is an 8 and G a 6, explaining a certain softness to him as compared to sa.

As an ESTP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things rationally and logically.

He's first function is Se, which makes a lot of sense since Al is Se too. And he seems very rational and logical although you have to really observe him to take note of these sort of things.

ESTPs are outgoing, straight-shooting types. Enthusiastic and excitable, ESTPs are "doers" who live in the world of action. Blunt, straight-forward risk-takers, they are willing to plunge right into things and get their hands dirty. They live in the here-and-now, and place little importance on introspection or theory. The look at the facts of a situation, quickly decide what should be done, execute the action, and move on to the next thing.

Explains his need to have a lot of activities, 4 camps, make friends, be in a different cliques. Its different from my own motives - which is that people interest me and i wanted to connect with people from different groups. His is more of excitement. So as not to be bored. New experiences. Total SP-ish. And during the career test, he did say he liked to be hands on and do things outdoor.

ESTPs have an uncanny ability to perceive people's attitudes and motivations. They pick up on little cues which go completely unnoticed by most other types, such as facial expressions and stance. They're typically a couple of steps ahead of the person they're interacting with. ESTPs use this ability to get what they want out of a situation.

This. No wonder he's pretty up to par with my game. I've always felt so. Even since the day at Fish & Co. even when i knew him less than a week?

They love to have fun, and are fun people to be around. They can sometimes be hurtful to others without being aware of it, as they generally do not know and may not care about the effect their words have on others. It's not that they don't care about people, it's that their decision-making process does not involve taking people's feelings into account. They make decisions based on facts and logic.

Yup, the way he was acting with me yestrday on whatsapp was quite hurtful, yet at the same time i don't think he means to hurt me.

ESTP's least developed area is their intuitive side. They are impatient with theory, and see little use for it in their quest to "get things done". An ESTP will occasionally have strong intuitions which are often way off-base, but sometimes very lucid and positive. The ESTP does not trust their instincts, and is suspicious of other people's intuition as well.

The ESTP is not likely to choose to be around all of the personality types. They have little patience for iNtuitive Thinking types, who seem very abstract and theoretical to the ESTP, who values action. The ESTP is likely to choose to be around people who have similar interests to their own - such as sports-oriented interests.

Hahaha, im not surprised. My second function, which i must say is quite developed now is Introverted Intuition. No wonder he's so....nyurgh....when i go all abstract or random.