I feel so much sadness tonight. I understand that too much time alone with my thoughts leads me to a dark place. There's this darkness & evil within myself that I need to defeat (no blaming on shaitan since its ramadhan). This I think is gonna be my biggest challenge of yet.

I almost "died" inside tonight during solat when I was thinking whether me questioning god's existence is bordering on shirik (which is the most unforgivable sin) which makes me worse than any murderer or rapist or thief in this earth. A person who murders out of mischief is said to have murdered the whole human race. Even he would have the chance of Allah's forgiveness, But I'm worse than that. I felt so ashamed. So dumb, so stupid, so ungrateful. I didn't feel like lifting my face off the floor of the masjid during sujud because I felt so ashamed to face my creator. For ever having that ounce of doubt after I'm blessed left, right, centre.

With that conclusion, I'm not gonna give up. I'm gonna continuosly try and acheive his rahmah and please him. I'm gonna keep trying and ask for forgiveness. I'm gonna pray and worship him even though I know the chance of him forgiving him might be negligible, because thats my purpose on this earth- to worship and praise him. And yet today, I read this ayah in Surah Ad-Dhuha that says he does not forsake you. And my fav line that "on no soul does Allah place a greater burden than he can bear". So im convinvced that I can overcome this chip in my aqidah and come out victorious, InsyaAllah.

I'll spend my life doing good deeds, or die trying. Because I need it to repent for my sins. And If I can make one life easier, why not? And to please Allah swt with my actions, if he wills it.

What a slice of humble pie, like Taufiq told me "Compliments should make you more humble." I understand it now. When someone says "wow you're so kind", you shouldn't accept the compliment as yours because kindness is Allah swt's gift to you. And all praises be to Alllah. Furthermore, aren't we supposed to be kind? (we're not even near emulating the prophet saw)

So bottom line, I've decided not to take philosophy because I'm weak. I wanted to take philosophy to challenge myself and perharps, help those having the same questions to the right path. But I realise, i'm not the right person to do that. Because I'm weak. So much so. I would rather not risk Allah's wrath than lead a few people to the right path. We have to think for ourselves when the push comes to shove.

Also, like what wee leong told me, the inception theory. How true. Its fate that he said that to me. All part of allah's plan that i have to learn to accept. For he is all-knowing.

Ya Allah, only you can grant me forgiveness, may you place me among the believers. Insya Allah. Ameen.