As Ramadan is drawing to a close, I've been reflecting a little bit more and came to the realisation that there is so much barakah in this month although initially, I felt I was left bereft. This was mainly due to undescribable awesomeness which was last Ramadan where my motivation to draw closer to God was unprecedented.

I got so caught up in placement and all the work I had to do...I barely had the energy to read the Quran or go for terawih, of which I'm trying desperately to think of reasons behind this and why God has willed so. And I guess it boils down to learning first-hand that effort = reward. The amount of effort you put in is directly related to how close you'll be to the Almighty. I mean duh, isn't that common sense? Don't we all already know that? That may be true, but you'll never really know the true meaning of something until you've faced it, like many other lessons in life.

Last year's Ramadan I made the decision and a promise to Allah that I didn't want to date, or have a boyfriend and go down that route. It wasn't an easy process especially me being the hopeless romantic that I am and absorbing today's media and culture propogating about relationships and such. To be honest, prior to this decision i've thought about relationships and having one practically about 80% of my day. Yes, I might have been a tad overbroad. But I guess I was fixated, obsessed even with the idea of love, and how we've been so successfully brainwashed into thinking relationships are a must. In fact, an individual's value is judged by his/her ability to get into a relationship. How enslaving is that? "You mean you've never had a boyfriend?", followed by judgemental looks. We don't have to look far, just look at us university kids playing "traffic light" at orientation camps.

Back to the story....I guess i didn't know if it was possible to get married WITHOUT dating. I mean...who does that? That was the hardest part. But trust in the Allah, the All knowing is key.

Problem is...I didn't know how to go about fulfilling my promise. Guys asked me out, I said, why not? It's just as friends, after all. Even if we both end up being attracted to each other and having romantic feelings, we're not going to be in a relationship - which is all that matters. Wrong. So wrong.

Try and justify as much as I may - the truth of the matter still stays.

You see, interesting fact #1 about me (if you don't already know) is that I'm an extremely emotional person and I get emotionally attached before you can say "Go". If I were to ever invest in a romantic relationship and we broke up, I know I wouldn't survive. I know it like I know the grass is green or that we'll all die one day.

Interesting fact #2 about me is that practically throughout my teenage life...guys have come and go. They're always interested at first, get to know me better and months, and even years later lose interest and leave. I've always, always thought there was something so fundamentally wrong with me. I'd think, 'Am I that boring? Am I that ugly? Maybe I care too much?' I mean if such a thing happened twice or thrice...I could put it down to coincidence. So it must mean there's some deficit in me that I've yet to figure out. No surprise my self-esteem was pretty much....non-existent.


Is it a crime to be boring? Tell me. How many of us are fun 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year?


Is it a crime to be ugly? Is it one's fault he looks like that. God made him this way. Are you not satisfied with the creation of God? Could you create something better than this human being? Tell me.


Is it a crime to care too much? To feel - something so essentially human is a gift, not a crime. You should be examining yourself if you're the one who always cares less.


The moral of the story is.....no. Nothing is fundamentally wrong with you. A reminder to myself and all girls out there. The value of a woman shouldn't be tied to how many guys look her way, or are attracted to her. You don't owe prettiness to anyone, and especially not some undeserving guy. You're so much more than that. You're definitely so much better than something as temporal as looks.


You should not let what guys think of you dictate how you think of yourself. No. You do not give such power to someone else. It's called self-respect. Try it.


What I've been enlightened with this month (no, not the enlightenment that Buddhists are talking about) is that as I made a promise to God and didn't know how to fulfill it...he did his part and helped me uphold it. It's pretty logical actually. If I can't survive a break-up, I shouldn't risk it and be in a relationship. If I didn't wanna be in a relationship or any semblance of it, I should not hang out one-on-one with guys who possibly have ulterior motives. So what does Allah do when a guy starts being interested in me and I agree to hang out....he makes them disinterested. Simple as that. No matter what I do, I now know the outcome. So I try not to chase as well. Which is a hard habit to break.

This 'enlightenment' is a very relieving fact, actually. It liberates me from my own obsessions...and forces me to just take a step back and trust that Allah knows whats best for me.

Insya Allah. Allah humma Amin.

P.s. Of course, there are more reasons why I made my decision last Ramadan, but that's between me and Him. ;)