Why ENFJs push people away when they get too close (PART 2)

"I can get so close to someone, offer so much help and the next thing you know, i can withdraw out of their life. I have my reason, let me explain.

Lots of my close friends and relatives are type 4, 5 which are resembling of INFP, INFJ, ISFP...these people have high maintenace and extremely hard to please sometime. They make me walk on egg-shell and are annoyed with everything i say/do. I've been trying my best to bring theme peace of mind, but it seems like they want to torture themselves of all cost. My mother is an INFP and an E4. And im a E3, so i did whatever to seek approval from her. Sometime i got it, sometime not. She's temperament and difficult. I don't blame her, don't take it wrong, she's just being herself."

This. With H (E4) and xj (E5). Yes, again, whatever I did sometimes annoy them and i have to be so guarded so that they wont dislike me or get annoyed. How then do i show my true self? For H, no matter what I said or did, it wouldn't soothe her (for example her SO cheating) and it seems whatever I said was wrong. As much as I wanted to feel needed + help, i'd feel so drained just trying to think of what to say. But again, i dont blame her. Its just the way she is. Its something i have to accept and adjust myself to.



"We are vulnerable and sensitive to rejection. One main reason we keep a distance from people because we are afraid to get hurt. Another is because some of these people drain us deliberately. We are the givers who wear our heart on sleeves. We are the magnets that attract poor wounded souls to us. People can sense our goodness and innocence. But some among these are preditors preying on our energy. So, watch out! Don't let the bad people take advantage of you."

How accurate! Im so afraid to get hurt again. So so so afraid. Its a fear that gets my heart beating so bad at the idea. Brings me back memories i try so hard to supress. Those "black hole" days which scared me to no end. And this paragraph just screams E.
 
"Ok, my INFPs called me whenever they needed to vent their brain out. I took it all. However, when i tried to call them back sometime, they weren't there. But i found it extraordinary selfish of them."

Yes, at one point of time, I thought this about S. But then i have come to terms with it and i understood it's just because we have high expectations of ourselves. We are always there for others, so we expect the same from others but that's not fair to them. Read an article about INFPs and FI-dom makes everyone's problems invisible because their own problems would be like an unrelenting large cloud of storm at the forefront of their mind.



"One thing it's because of our defense mechanism defense is strong. I do that to let my friends know that i have other special friends too. Maybe we are not that confident as you think we are. We don't want to lean on you and you alone because what if you leave? what are we gonna do? How can we cope? We all have insecurity but we react differently on it, you see?"

too true. I do this a lot to H and sometimes S. But mostly H. Maybe cos i want her to see that I do not belong to her. That i have greater worth? Or that i have better friends, people who that are more similar to me, that im not that weird and different. People that accept me more than her? thats why i'd rather hang out with them? i think its the latter.



Another thing could be we are interested in people from all walks of life. It's a life long study for us ENFJs. We don't really cling to someone you know, everyone is our best friend. That can be good and bad at times. You may find it superficial and pretentious. As my INFP friend said once, i dont have a single circle, it's more like a blop i totally agreed with him on that. It doesn't mean we forgot you. Different people have different roles in our heart. We will constantly think about you, care about your being..etc. We may or may not say it, but you can feel it by talking to us, look at us in the eyes. 

Thats why quality time is so important for me. Showing you that i care, that i want to shower my attention on you and just you for that short period of time. This pretty much sums up being ENFJ.

Advice to  all those who want to be 'possessive' of ENFJs:
My advice for you is, don't feel sad about your friend being a social butterfly, don't make her feel guilty and don't hold her back. Let her grow on her own term. She will come back to you eventually. You can never imagine, but if your our special friends, you will stay in the back of our head for life. It may sound strange but it takes almost no time for us to united with you after a long time because in our mind, we never left. 

  I also find that I initiate a lot in my friendships, organising coffee get-togethers, dinners out etc....that a lot of the time I wish people would call me and ask "Hey, how are you" and listen to me

Yup! I do initiate most of my meet-ups and always the one asking "how are you" question. That i get stunned and shocked when someone asks me"how are you". This agains leads back to being E2 where we have little self-worth and our feelings are of little value. Thus, we ourself dont bother saying how we are, our if so, on a  more superficial level. But still, the feeling of wanting to be appreciated is still there.


I agree - all my friends - they each stand on their own in their d
ifferences. They are all unique - different backgrounds, views etc, if I put all my friends in one room I don't think they'd get on lol.

Haha so true. Imagine people that I hang out one-on-one together...Put s, h, yh, e, I in one room. HAHA ok the idea itself is super funny.

As an ENFJ, I think about everyone who's in my life IRL. I even think about the people at PC. I think about my childhood friends who I have never seen again and I wonder what they're doing, how they are. I think about people I worked with years ago and never stayed in contact with. I just cannot stop thinking about PEOPLE.

 Yea, interesting idea. Never realised this but this applies to me too. Just yestrday, i was thinking about aisyah, syahida, herlmi, debra, terrance, leon....whuuutttt. haha


"My life is built on personas. If someone gets close they will find out about these personas. Only my closest friends know of my ability to be a chameleon. "
The reason i get so weird when im stuck with 2 close friends who dont know each other....how do i behave? What persona do i put up then?? And im afraid that someone will find out that im different with everyone. It gets hard sometimes having to put up all these personas. Especially after not seeing for so long, i forgot what persona im supposed to put up. And i get scared...what if im too candid? too harsh? too quiet? And the person might find me changed and different...get suspicious and not like me as much? My downfall that will be one day.  Why personas? Cos i've "customised" version of myself for everyone. To talk about common topics and shared values to connect and ultimately, be liked and be indispensable. To have that "special" and "unique" connection with someone. A lot of someones, that is. ME in unfamiliar group situations...*dies*. So uncomfortable. I dont know where I stand with them, how to act.  That leads me to get close to people one by one in the group. Once i've done my "work" on at least half of the group, only then can i start feeling comfortable and not ostracised or forgotten.



"I do that too(push ppl away)! maybe not at first when it comes to new friends - cos I gotta see if they're trustworthy first, but with close ones I do."

Yes, all down to trust = whether i push you away or not. And yes, i think i'd warn Al or S  if i need to run away for a while.


We see people as individuals, whether they are associated with a group/clique or not, and we find at least one person that we absolutely love and want to get to know better in each group. See, ENFJs are very suspicious of groups, though we're accepting of individuals.

Yes. Prime example - KL and YN. Wanting to form my own group (in my head at first and then reality).


When I deliberately pull away

1. I find an interesting new person that I befriend quickly.
2. I realize that I can't possibly maintain the level of intimacy I have created.
3. I back off/run away/ start behaving kind of terse and blunt- not my usual style at all.

When I inadvertently pull away

1. I find an interesting new person that I befriend quickly.

2. I find myself revealing very intimate things about myself and being far too open (which I always do, cannot NOT do, always beat myself up later about, but still do the very next time- every time). 3. I realize that the other person views me as a novelty or a freak and that they don't have any empathy for me- if anything, I have provided them amo and gristle for judgment. They don't understand me. They were not the person I should have been opening up to... This makes me feel embarrassed and saddened and a little mad.
4. I make a vow to be more of a fortress and not to waste more energy on them- which results in me avoiding them or giving clipped answers or whatever until there is more breathing room. This isn't done out of animosity- it is truly self-preservation.